Grateful

"Peaceful Paul Rudersdorf", our Contributing Editor, felt a litle tinge in his heart. Not the emotional variety, but the far more concerning physical type of twinge; the type that leads you to the hospital, and leads you to a whole lot of thinking. 

Walking

My biggest decision yesterday was whether I go to the emergency room. Recently diagnosed with the all-to-common 65+ male condition of A-Fib, I sat on the couch wondering. 

Tightness in my chest and shortness of breath-oh my. I wasn’t even exerting myself. Could I be having a heart attack? I eat well, exercise, and am not stressed. What’s the deal here? Should I tough it out? What if it’s nothing and I am overreacting? What if I am about to have the big one? 

Prior to this experience, my biggest decision of the afternoon was to decide if I was going to read my book, or turn on a little TV, maybe take a half hour nap. With increasing concern, I decided to get in my car and start driving toward the hospital, hoping I would gain clarity as I meandered toward the emergency room (honestly, more of a slight panic). When I got to the parking lot, I sat in my car and weighed the potential embarrassment of a false alarm vs. the unlikely ending of my life. I decided to walk in and see “what’s up?" For the next 3 hours, my symptoms dissipated. 

After the nurses assured me I wasn’t some kind of a wimp, I pondered “what if” for the next few hours, in between my book that was hard to put down and the final four tournament. What if this had been my last moment? 

I woke up this morning.I have food to eat and heat in my home. I don’t want for much, and I have lived an interesting life. I don’t really have a bucket list, and my daughters seem to be in a good place. I am grateful, not just for not having the big one today, but for where I am right now. It made me wonder though. What if? What if today and surely down the road in the not-to-distant future. I have my book as a temporary distraction and the game is tied with two minutes left. Time for me to get checked out of this place and go home. I am starving and need some nourishment. 

I drove home in a fairly good mood, but was pondering how my mind can go from thinking about a real-life certainty (death) and the temporary enjoyment of something not so real, like my book. When I got home, I ate, read a bit more, and put on an hour of Netflix stand up comedy. Tomorrow morning I will start the day with a hike in the woods.

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